I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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