Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
