my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
