if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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