her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
