Pants 0. Shit 1.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
