i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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