How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize