phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
