eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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