1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
