i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
