Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
