I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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