Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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