If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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