By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize