I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You are a genius and a whore.
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