I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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