My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
and you fell through a lawn chair
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
