She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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