It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i will never coherently bang her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
