I wanna bring you to show and tell
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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