When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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