Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
