Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
