you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
