i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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