in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
