I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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