i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
