he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
