Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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