How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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