tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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