i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my vag is so smooth its legendary
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
