I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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