Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
