where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
