Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
