Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
