Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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