I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
