Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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