i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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