Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
