i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
