i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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