idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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