you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
