This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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