Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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