You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
