somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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