The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your penis caused this!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
