I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
