Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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