alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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